Body's wisdom

I have not had the energy to write for a while: I thought "I must be lazy", "I am not good at keeping a project going", "being a busy-pregnant-mother sucks", and so on with endless self-beating up thoughts and statements running through my head. Not once it crossed my mind, that perhaps, just maybe, there was a good reason for me feeling the way I felt and rather than fight it, I could "listen" to myself and be curious, rather than judgmental!

So, talking to the midwife and the doctor I found out I am badly anemic, lacking oxygen in my blood, nothing so serious to worry about, but certainly not a good idea to "fight that feeling".

Now, my problem is I have been anemic on and off all my life so you would think I would immediately recognise the symptoms And do something about it. However: I have also been told for most of my life that "I can be weird", "socially rude" (falling asleep at parties…), "moody" and "difficult". So much I even question myself sometimes, and in an attempt to conform, I often fight against myself.
And what's the pay-back? Social approval of course and a sense of "being normal".

Sometimes we all have more than good enough reasons to feel and behave the way we do and it's only others' expectations and assumptions that are actually "weird" given our subjective circumstances.
So give yourself credit and allow yourself to believe in what your whole body and persona is telling you, as 'they' are hardly ever wrong.
Your judgment might be wrong; your assumptions and expectations might be wrong; your body normally has got something very valuable to tell!
And when you can't quite work out what it is saying, just imagine it had a voice, whether it is your hand or head, listen to that voice as if it were a person. If words don't come out, then just let that part of your body move in whichever way it feels 'right', and see what happens or whether unsuspected words eventually materialize!
Remember, the important thing is, try to push any judgment that comes along with this exercise on the side. Just tell the judgment: 'I can hear you and right now I am choosing not to listen to you. I 'll come back later'. This would hopefully help you to give a little bit of space to the 'squashed you'.
If you try this I would love to hear from you!

Keep breathing

It's been a hard two weeks since I last posted. Exhaustion has been lurking everywhere: surprise! surprise! just found out I am anemic! I just thought, I was tired 'cause I am pregnant. The lack of iron explains many tears and mood swings as well as my lack of energy.

So, feeling heavy with the addition of breathlessness, cramps, back pain and inability to drag myself around town, I have been feeling rather frustrated as my mind wanted to do things that my body did not feel could follow at all...

What a typical image: contemporary mum, living in London, busy working and trying to spin as 'many plates' as she can, ALL THE TIME. So I shift between telling myself, "you can do it" and "slow down...PLEASE!!!". It is indeed a constant battle, which I am aware affects many friends of mine, many colleagues and I suspect the majority of people living in London, whether they are parents or not.

Fast 'thinking', as I call it, can be highly addictive as it produces lots of adrenaline and can really keep us going until we crash or break down, or just feel miserable and chronically tired. So, how do I actually slow down? Well, one of my magic words is still AWARENESS: whenever I recognize the sympotms of rushing, speeding up, and funnily enough, missing out on life (while I am too busy thinking and planning...), I let myself become aware of what that actually feels like, not just in my head, but especially in my body. This process normally puts me in touch with my emotions and quite often I have a bit of a realisation: when I am rushing around, if I can just let myself stop and consciously breath even for just one minute, I suddenly realise not only how tired I am, but also how sad I may be feeling, for having bypassed other things in my life, for having nelgected my health, and for having possibly neglected my child, my partner, my family or my friends.
Everytime I chose to slow down or to stop, I must let go: let go of ideals, let go of opportunities, let go of my mantra 'I WANT EVERYTHING, NOW!' and I must embrace my limitations and once again just be ok with it. Again, this is easily said, much more difficult to achieve in practice.
Generally for me the formula to deal with difficult feelings is about AWARENESS, ACKNOWLEDGEMENT, SELF-EXPRESSION/RELEASE (meaning talking to someone, have a little dance, a little scream, make a drawing, play some music, you chose...) and LETTING GO.
However, this process that sounds as a rather private one, does not happen in isolation: we all belong to "a world", even if we can feel very disconnected at times, and so a sense of what support and connections we have in the world is fundamental to go through difficult stages, phases, paths, feelings, etc. It means considering others, and how we feel towards them, how they affect us and how we affect them. It means chosing to be responbile for myself and my behaviour given WHO I want to be in my world and for others. Sometimes, as I am rushing around, I realise I may have hurt someone I love: this morning I shouted at my daughter because she had forgotten to change her knickers and I (not her) was LATE (at least that's what I thought!). Her face droppped, but she didn't say a word. She has seen me like that before. My heart always cringes afterwards and I think to myself, "Do I really want myself to lose control and release my anxiety on my little one, who is actually  not responsible for how I am feeling?" The answer this morning was NO and I said SORRY to her. I wanted her to know it wasn't about her, it was about me being stressed and anxiety. That's all I needed to say.
Saying SORRY, when it's really meant and felt, may not repair what's happened, but indeed it offers an opportunity for re-owning one's feelings that have been wrongly misplaced onto someone else, who we have just used to dump our garbage onto. By saying sorry and taking responsibility for ourselves, we can lift the weight we sometimes unawarely and unwillingly place onto little or vulnerable people, or so to speak, just innocent people!
By admitting my mistakes, taking responsibility and showing that I can bear the sense of guilt without an immediate need for re-demption, I become humane again, I come to life, and so I can cry and smile at the same time. And breathe.

Power naps: chose or not to chose?

As I have been thinking and 'practising' power naps over the last few days, I have come across a number of websites defining the notion of napping through the day and listing a number of potential benefits, which apparently have been proven scientifically. Among a few, some of the benefits include: improved memory function, decrease in adrenaline and stress levels, positive mood, ability to focus. Most websites agree that naps should not last more than 30/40 minutes and that ideally they should only last between 10 and 20 minutes.
Well, it sounds simple and like a great idea: I certainly love napping throughout the day, whenever I can and feel the need to do so.
BUT: it is not that easy!
Firstly, when talking about how much I love shutting my eyes, sometimes in random places, and snoozing like a cat, many people react defensively and say "no, no way I can sleep on a bus..." "or on the tube"..."..I feel nervous" or "scared that someone might take my belongings". Other people say that they end up sleeping too much and then feeling worse afterwards....or that they "just can't relax".

I can totally relate to most of what I have heard from others when it comes to 'just letting yourself go', possibly not only in the middle of the day, but also in the middle of some total strangers and maybe in a very unfamiliar environment...no wonder "they just can't relax enough"!!!.

Well, I have not always loved and embraced my naps, which by now I can have either at home, on the sofa during loud late-night parties (like last year's New Year's Eve! LOL), on the bus, on the train, on the tube, over my desk, or on the floor of the therapy room before I see a client. I used to find it very difficult despite  my very heavy eye lids!

As I have developed awareness of myself during the last ten years, I have gradually come to the realization that I was stopping myself from relaxing and letting go, primarily because I was worrying about 'what others might think'.
Every so often that still worries me and certainly there are situations when I chose not to have a nap, because I do care about what that may be perceived like by others around me. Chosing not to allow myself to have a rest and shut down for one, two, five, ten minutes, is however very different from feeling and thinking that "I just can't relax" and "I shouldn't, because it would be rude".  My point is, surely other people's opinion can affect us and can be important to us, but unless I feel that I can chose, I am likely to set up a default system that always dictates "I CAN'T, therefore I shall not have a nap". This default system can become very powerful over time, difficult to change and ultimately not empowering.
I do like to have a choice, or maybe more than one choice, and I am happy to pay the consequences, which often results in people having a laugh when I CHOSE to have a nap on the sofa.....and I am OK with that!    

Managing stress during late pregnancy

I am 31 weeks and 1 day today. I work 5 days a week. I already have a daughter and no family support, except for my partner. I am no more special than other people. London is full of working parents rashing to catch the tube, the bus, the train and make it on time. Parents who feel exhausted by the time the lunch break arrives. Being pregnant does not make it easier. I know, I am not saying anything new here.

To get me through the day the first step for me is to acknowledge how I am feeling, what I am thinking and what I am doing. It sounds simple, and I find it extremely difficult, every day. This is what I call 'practising the art of awareness'. What I find the most difficult, and I guess I am not alone here, is not necessarily doing what I think would help me to manage my energy levels better...it's about motivation, encouragement and belief that I can be disciplined and strong. Often I am too tired to even remind myself of what would help me to not only get through the day, but also feel quite happy by the end of it!

So, here is one of my ways of dealing with my lack of motivation: I close my eyes and I visualize the tired Ilaria by noticing everything I could possibly notice (her facial expression, what she may be feeling, what she is wearing, etc; then as an observer I look around and I visualize another Ilaria, who seems to be doing fine, who can sit comfortably somewhere and seems to have some spare positive energy to pass on; then I imagine that this latter Ilaria can go up to the tired one and nourish her, comfort her; sometimes there are lots of me in my mental picture and they are all brilliant at taking care of the tired/exhausted/unhappy one.

You can use this veary easy and relaxing exercise anywhere and anyhow you like...you can imagine your strong 'selves' doing pretty anything that you wish someone would do for you...I sometimes do this on the tube, even if I am standing, because I can still close my eyes for a few minutes and it does not require me to either sit or lie in any particular position (and I don't have to recite mantra either!).

This mental picture normally helps me to both acknowledge that I am actually quite drained as well as being ok with it, and rather than entering a sort of internal conflict with myself because 'I am not doing what i should be doing', I manage to find some self-compassion and strength by simply being and allowing myself to be.

So now, I shall have a power nap, instead of washing my lunch-dishes! Next time I shall write about my 'funny power naps'!!!